We truly live in a world where we are brainwashed with stories of love, fairytales, soulmates, and happy endings that certainly don't exist. Its disheartening to do this over again from square one. I think I watched too many Korean dramas.
That black milk tea sure was strong. I can't go to sleep and I have my last final tomorrow. :(
sick as sick can be. I was in bed all weekend. no productive studying or anything done. today my cough got so bad that I had to go to a CVS minute clinic and check to see if it was something more serious. the nurse practitioner said most likely it is a viral upper respiratory infection. she just have me meds for symptomatic treatment. hopefully I get over it soon. I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow. school and then work.
this week is going to be really busy for me. I have a test on Tuesday that I barely studied for. then on Thursday ill be tutoring some students. on Friday is my industry mock interview. hopefully I make it through ok. I can't wait for next week. it'll be the career fair and maybe then I can breathe a bit.
I guess every person deals with pain differently. When my mother passed away nearly 4 years ago, I bundled up all my emotions and put them away and was forced to focus on other things (continuing school, etc.). I never really was able to cry and mourn for her passing away. It’s not to say that I didn’t love my mom, because I certainly did. She was one of the most influential figures in my life and made me the person that I am today. But why should mourning be a process that happens and ends? I still think about her everyday.
Anyway, to my main focus, learning about anticoagulants and all the medications she was on before and when she was at the hospital for months, just haunts me. Somehow I keep imagining that as I go through these different modules, more and more of the mystery will become clearer. What I’m talking about was the reason for my mom’s death. There was never a diagnosis nor even a good hypothesis of why she passed away. I just know that the day she came back from her one month trip from VN, she called me while being in the car on her way home telling me that she wasn’t feeling good. She was rushed to the hospital where she stayed there for a couple of weeks before being transferred to another hospital. I regret not rushing back to see her right away, but I visiting her the first moment I had that next weekend. The best the doctors were able to tell me was that it might have been Multiple sclerosis possibly an asymptomatic case activated by a change in environments leading her to be immobile in her bed. I find it hard to believe that it could have been MS. I do know that after several MRIs or CT scans it was found that my mom had a few clots. Treatment with blood thinners caused her to hemorrhage and made the situation worse. To top it off, being in the hospital for an extending period of time increased her risk of infection since she was continually being poked with different lines. Anyway, my theory is that since she had AFIB she was at an increased risk of getting a stroke. This risk in addition to the risk of DVT while being immobile (i.e. sitting on an airplane) could have increased her risk of a stroke leading her to become immobile. It was true that one side of her body was stronger than the other, although she never exhibited symptoms of a droopy face,etc. Uhh, I wonder if that’s what it was. I wonder if I could have prevented it by telling her and my father not to make that trip that year. Well what’s come has passed, and I can’t feel guilty for what couldn’t have been controlled. I just wish I could control these flashbacks. I don’t enjoy being haunted by these memories and hypotheses of what it could have been… T.T
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